Psychological News You Can Use - September 2009

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Surviving Back-to-School Time - Jeffrey Leoni, Psy.D.

Cooler evenings, shorter days, and changing colored leaves clearly signal Back-to-School time for our children. Naturally, we hope our kids will look forward to this process each year and not take it for granted. Sometimes, we need to find new and fresh ways to prepare for each school year so both students and parents can enjoy it to the fullest. There are simple and effective strategies that can help both young children entering school at kindergarten and older students advancing to higher grade levels.

YOUNG CHILDREN benefit from hands-on parental assistance while adjusting to the school environment.

• BEFORE THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, ask your children what they think will happen at school.
• Visit the school with your children and inform them about what will happen at school.
• Share your own experiences with school (good and bad), encourage your kids to share their own fears and expectations with you and then give them some positive things to keep in mind.

BEING POSITIVE about the school experience is the next key to help kids prepare for school. You can do this by providing your children with information about what new experiences and pressures may arise. Always show confidence in your children's skills and abilities to meet new challenges. Avoid falling into the trap of allowing your kids to believe that their worth is based only on their school performance by showing them acceptance and appreciation.

WHEN PROBLEMS ARISE, give your children an active role in dealing with them. Help them focus on solving problems rather than feeling bad about them. This helps them learn responsibility and teaches them that they can rely on themselves to take care of things when you are not around. In the end, this plants the seeds they will use later to develop independence and self-reliance. A wonderful tool to reduce school anxiety, especially for the youngest students, is to give them positive notes or pictures to take to school. These positive reminders of home and family comforts children when they feel anxious about being away from home.

OLDER CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS usually require less hands-on assistance than younger students.

• They need to be given a more active role in their daily school activities to ensure they know you respect their improved abilities and encourage their independence.
• Suggest that they develop a new goal for the year and list the steps they will take to attain it.
• Share your experiences with them and how you overcame boredom or school burnout. This lets them realize that you have tools that can help them, gain credibility as a trustworthy source of information and strengthens the parent-child bond.

ADJUSTMENT PROBLEMS CAN BE IDENTIFIED AND PREVENTED BEFORE THEY ARISE in some quick and easy ways. Ask if they had any negative school experiences last year and talk about them. Try to help them cope through learning how to relax in the place where they occurred to reduce fear. Discuss with them peer influences and what attitudes their friends have towards school; try to teach them independence in thought and action. Some things that can make adjustment harder are: grade transitions; a history of anxiety when away from home and coming home after school and staying in all the time; limited social skills or being either above or below grade level intellectually; if you see a change in their appearance, mood, or behavior; and if they suddenly begin to show impulsive and defiant behaviors at home. Help with these issues can be done at home but for serious issues it is always best to seek professional help or therapy.

HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS need to be thinking proactively about their future. Parents can continue to play an active role in the following ways.

• Develop plans and expectations for life after high school or college and help your teenagers make concrete goals and plans for this process.
• Help them consider all options carefully while ensuring that they take an active role in initiating plans for young adulthood.
• Discuss social/academic/athletic pressures with your teenagers and talk about ways you overcame similar pressures in high school.
• Encourage positive coping by empowering our young adults to handle peer pressure for substance use and physical intimacy in positive ways.

If adjustment proves difficult, seek counseling if needed, especially if the student is away from home for the first time. Focus on and enhance your marital and social relationships as this helps maintain social and communicating skills. Some final bits of advice are: join a parent support group, join an after-school activity with your children, offer to help kids when needed to help you feel involved and meaningful, and view school as a positive place for your child. More experienced school parents might consider mentoring new parents and children, offering help and advice to a newly arrived family, or housing a foreign exchange student for some cultural broadening.

And last but not least: relax and breathe, laugh about school every day with your kids, and take everything with a grain of salt. Rest assured that when it is time for your children to enter college or the world of work you will appreciate the opportunity to have passed on your wisdom to them over the years, and more than likely, would want to do it all over again.

Jeffrey Leoni, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist, affiliated with Exton Behavioral Health in Exton, PA. He received his doctoral degree from Pepperdine University with a clinical focus on psychological assessment, neuropsychology, PTSD, and behavioral medicine.

I think I can ... I think I can ... I think I can ...

This familiar mantra from the children's book, "The Little Engine That Could," has inspired generations of kids (and many adults) for almost 70 years. The little blue engine, smallest of all in the yard, was the least likely candidate to pull the train over the mountain. But she managed to do it, thanks to her self-confidence -- "I think I can."

Of course in real life, merely thinking that you can does not guarantee success. However, thinking that you can't almost certainly guarantees failure.

Kids don't start off lacking self-confidence. Otherwise babies would never learn to walk. Imagine a 1-year-old taking a couple of steps then falling down and trying again. After a couple of falls, the baby doesn't stop to think: "Well that didn't work. I guess I'll never learn to walk." No, he just picks himself up and keeps trying until he gets it. In the face of one failed attempt after another, that baby is confident that he WILL eventually walk.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly what happens to stifle kids' self-confidence as they get older and why some are more willing to venture out and try new things.

But we do know that merely feeling good about oneself (which is called "self-esteem") does not necessarily translate into the confidence needed to face challenges and pursue success. In fact, some studies show that kids with very high self-esteem can be underachievers at school.

Self-confidence is strengthened not by thinking, but by doing. Watch your kids' faces and body language as they figure out a problem, master riding a bike or get to the next level of a video game. You'll see more than a smile. You'll see the same self-confidence as when they were learning to walk.

Self-confidence is self-propelling. Children who feel confident about something want to do more of it. And they even prefer that it's not too easy. They welcome a challenge, even though they know they may not succeed right away. For self-confident kids, failure does not damage their self-esteem.

It's no surprise that self-confident people are happier, more energetic and optimistic, have better relationships, and enjoy better health. Isn't that what everyone wants for their children?

How to help your children build self-confidence

You can't give your kids self-confidence -- they must earn it through their own actions. But you can establish an environment in which self-confidence can flourish. Here are the ingredients:

• Physical safety and security
  Kids need to feel that they will be taken care of and protected in a basic sense. Don't talk about money problems in front of your kids. They could easily misinterpret what they hear and get scared that you'll be homeless.
• Harmonious home life
  The more harmonious and consistent your home life, the more secure your kids will feel. If you don't get along with your spouse, make an effort when the kids are around. If you're divorced, never belittle or badmouth the other parent. If you yell or if you have a habit of putting yourself down, stop.
• Social skills
  Children who learn respect at home will apply the same respect to others outside the home and will be more popular and confident among their peers. Teach your kids to take turns, to show kindness and to ask politely for what they want. Don't tolerate it when they speak to you in contemptuous or demanding tones.
• Opportunities for curiosity and exploration
  Children have a natural curiosity. As long as they are physically safe and not bothering other people, allow them to look, explore and experiment. Don't over-schedule them with lessons and other structured activities. While books, museum visits and movies are valuable, they do not build confidence in the way that active engagement and exploration can. Your kids will feel more confident through self-directed discovery than through any scripted experience.
• Appropriate risk-taking
  Challenge your kids to stretch just a bit beyond their comfort zone. Examples include: Trying new foods -- even if it's just one bite; saying "Hi" to another child that they've never spoken to; sleeping in their own bed for the whole night; asking a girl or boy to the dance. To help kids view these things with an open mind, suggest them as experiments ("just to see how it feels") rather than as major hurdles.

It is possible to be scared and self-confident at the same time. For proof, just observe the people waiting in line for the roller coasters at Hershey Park. Their nervous anticipation does not deter them from getting on the rides. When your child hesitates to try something, don't lecture her or tell her she's being silly. Instead, acknowledge her fears and remind her of a time when she had successfully pushed through fear in the past. If necessary, change the goal to something more manageable. For example, if she's afraid to put her face in the water at the pool, have her agree to splash water on her face.

Strategies for managing failure

Resist the urge to protect your kids from failure. Failure is not necessarily bad. In fact, children need small setbacks in order to prove to themselves that they can recover and move on. Be mindful of your own behavior when your kids don't succeed. Avoid making excuses for them, such as blaming the weather, the teacher or the equipment. Set a good example of a can-do attitude by casually taking the failure in stride and looking forward to the next opportunity.

The above guidelines will work for most children. However, some may remain timid and fearful despite your best efforts. If your child is one of those, you are advised to consult a psychologist or other mental health professional who is trained to help kids with problems.

Pauline Wallin, Ph.D., is a psychologist and life coach in Camp Hill and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior." Visit her Web site at www.drwallin.com.

We were not prepared to watch our son head off to a college 400 miles from home. Sure, we made all the financial arrangements, bought clothes and school items, and took care of his everyday needs. That part was easy.

We drove our son to campus, attended as many orientation meetings as we could, and smiled at him when we waved goodbye. Within an hour or two after leaving him, waves of sadness washed over my wife and me.

We were alone. No longer did he need us as he formerly did. Our son could and would take care of himself from now on. The 24/7 parental roller coaster came to an abrupt halt. My wife and I were thrown into a state of intimacy we had not known for years.

We had so many questions. Would our son adjust to college? And what would we do with ourselves?

The psychologist, Erik Erikson, revealed why the empty nest is such a difficult time. He remarked that between the ages of 40 and 65 years individuals need to master the developmental task of generativity, which essentially means taking care of another person.

The most common, but not the only, way to master generativity is through parenting. Failure to master generativity carries the risk of stagnation, the feeling that life is empty and lacking in personal fulfillment.

As adults are thrown into the empty nest, their sense of generativity is suddenly pulled away from them and they face a sense of stagnation if they cannot find alternative means to nurture others.

The family life cycle is a continuous journey of alternating challenges interspersed with periods of relative calm. The challenges occur in the first year of marriage, at the birth of a child, the loss of a parent, a change in job or location, reaching the empty nest, retirement, and loss of a spouse.

Launching young adults into their college years is both a happy and stressful occasion. I discovered that psychologists need also to use what they teach to others:

• Share your experience with other parents whose children have just left for college. Knowing that your experience is not unique can provide comfort.
• Meet parents of college graduates. Learn how they coped when their young adults moved to college and what their experience of the empty nest was like.
• Stay busy. If you were accustomed to being on the go from morning to night 7 days per week, find ways to continue to feel productive and useful to others.
• Get involved in a new venture. This is a time in life to consider how you would like to spend time in a meaningful or enjoyable way. Take up a new hobby. Join a social club. Volunteer your time. Or go back to school and take classes yourself!
• Consider the Web site - www.emptynestmoms.com - for advice from other parents.

Acting confident that your young person will be successful in college is one of the most important things you can do. Young adults pick up feelings from their parents and can be prone to anxiety when parents feel worried that their child 'won't make it.'

Just as important, parents need to demonstrate to their children that they, too, will adjust well to their new lives without their children. It is quite common for young adults to worry about their parents' psychological health as well as their physical health. When young people are free from worry about their parents' well-being, they can focus all of their energy on the demands of college life as well as the freedoms that college bestows.

So, consider the fact that you still are a parent, even though your child may be separated from you in a college far from home, and s/he still needs your help. Here's what you can do to help launch your young one successfully:

• Let your college students know you miss them, but are not depressed and lonely without them. Convey the sense that you are doing well at home.
• Avoid the tendency to call your student on a daily basis. College students need a sense of distance from their parents. It is not necessary for them to share every detail of their college life on a daily basis. Calls once or twice per week for most students are sufficient.
• Focus most of your telephone conversations on their activities in school, not what is happening to you at home or with their old friends from high school.
• If your young person shows doubts about the ability to be successful in college, provide reassurance that although the first few months can be trying, you are absolutely confident s/he will succeed.

Expect that your college-age child will have some adjustment problems. Most students do. Problems occur with teachers, roommates, difficult schedules, and adjusting to the greater demands of college life.

It is important not to be the one to try to solve your child's problems. What you can do is let your child know that he or she has choices in how to solve problems and that there are many resources on campus to use in solving them. Therefore, if your child complains about adjustment problems, there are many things you can do.

• Let your child know that adjustment problems are common and usually resolvable.
• Suggest that your child work with college personnel, such as the residential assistant, college counseling center or academic advisor to resolve various types of problems.
• Feel free to suggest alternatives to problems, but stop short of giving your student the 'solution.' After all, students are in college to learn independence so they can solve problems for themselves by the time they graduate.

Vincent J. Morello, Ph.D., is a licensed and school-certified psychologist working at Pathway School in Norristown and in private practice at Wayne Counseling Center in Wayne, PA

As it seems to take more years for young adults to accomplish independence from their parents, many return home after college for periods of time. This happens so often that a term has been coined for this group of young adults: "the boomerang generation." Many parents feel confused about how to interact with their children in these situations. This article is designed to address common questions that arise for parents when adult children boomerang back home.

Parent question: Is there a priority I should keep in mind?

Answer: Yes. The key question is: Does your adult child have a viable vocational plan that stands a reasonable chance of accomplishing effective independence? If yes, count your blessings and try to keep the other issues in perspective. If no, that is the place to start. There are multiple methods that may be used to create such a plan. For instance, vocational counselors offer questionnaires that can be useful in narrowing down career choices. Moreover, if your adult child graduated from college, his or her university likely has a career services center that can help. Former professors and mentors can also be invaluable resources.

Parent question: What if my adult child is completely clueless about what she or he wants to do for a vocation? Where is a good place to start?

Answer: Don't worry if this is the case, as there are millions of adults in the same position, across the lifespan. A key first question is: What are your adult child's top strengths? The premise is that all humans, barring significant brain dysfunction, have top strengths, or things that they can do in a superior fashion. Resources like the Signature Strengths Survey (www.authentichappiness.com) or Tom Rath's book Strength Finder 2.0 can be of help in generating theories regarding your adult child's top strengths. Once the top strengths have been identified the next question is : What vocation will allow my adult child to execute those top strengths in service to others? Those who effectively realize the answers to these two questions tend not only to have a viable vocation, but also tend to experience great meaning and purpose in their work lives.

Parent question: Okay, let's say my adult child has a viable vocational plan that requires her or him to live with me for a while. Should I set some rules about chores?

Answer: Most families find it important to have a collaborative discussion about these practicalities, which, of course, is different from a parent unilaterally deciding what the chores should be. You might start things off by creating the circumstance to have an extended discussion (e.g., going out to a restaurant, going for a walk, etc.). Then you can begin by affirming your adult child for the things in her or his life that you appreciate and value. You might then segue into the topic of dividing up tasks as follows: "Of course, whenever adults live together they share the household labor. What do you think would be a fair way for us to divide things up?"

Parent question: Should I charge rent? And, if yes, how should I calculate it?

Answer: There is no answer that can apply equally well across families. However, the more your adult child is working at a viable vocational plan, and the more she or he is scraping by financially, the more I might let this go. On the other hand, the more your adult child doesn't seem invested in accomplishing independence, or the more she or he has a decent income, the more I might consider charging rent. Of course, how much you charge, and whether you charge at all, will also depend on your own financial health.

Parent question: Should I set a curfew?

Answer: I would not initiate a discussion about this unless a problem has emerged or is emerging. However, if your adult child is coming home at an hour that interferes with you getting a good night's sleep or if your adult child seems to be developing self-destructive habits, then I would suggest initiating a discussion using the same strategy that I reviewed above regarding chores.

Parent question: What if my adult child does things like leave a dirty dish in the family room or a dirty towel in the bathroom, should I ask her or him to clean it up?

Answer: These sorts of dynamics happen whenever adults live together, no matter what the relationships are. In this context, I would probably try to keep the key issue in mind. That is, if she or he is working a viable vocational plan, and assuming I don't feel too taken advantage of by cleaning up after someone, I might keep this agitation between me and my guardian angel. However, if you decide it is worth mentioning, I would do so by asking your adult child how she or he would suggest that you handle these situations.

Parent question: Do you have any other guidelines for communicating?

Answer: Remember that for a lecture to change human behavior two conditions must be met. First, the person must not already possess the information. Second, the person must want to receive the information. Hence, when lectures are used to try to change someone's behavior in a family it is like a carpenter trying to drive a nail into a piece of wood with a screwdriver. There is nothing inherently wrong with the tool, it is just not designed for that particular job. Methods that are much more effective for modifying behavior include expressing empathy, asking questions, affirming what you like and partnering in decision-making.

Parent question: What should I do if my adult child and I are getting into regular and heated conflicts about these things?

Answer: I'd seek out a psychologist competent in doing family therapy. It can be a remarkable and rewarding experience to have a well trained and objective professional ease or completely resolve long-standing family conflicts.

David Palmiter, Ph.D., ABPP, is a Professor and Director of the Psychological Services Center at Marywood University in Scranton. His Web site is www.helpingfamilies.com; his Twitter page is www.twitter.com/HelpingParents.

In Relationships, Balance is More Important than Closeness - Jeffrey L. Sternlieb, Ph.D.

Numerous studies show that social relationships can reduce dementia, improve success at work, and increase longevity. There is no better feeling than the one we get when we are in a very close and intimate relationship. The emotional and physical closeness we experience in a trusting and caring connection with a partner is supportive and heightens our sense of well being. However, no relationship can tolerate unlimited closeness. At some time, one or the other member of the duo will feel a need to step back or away for a while. This is when things get interesting, stressful or challenging - depending on your perspective.

In order to better understand the dynamics and potential outcomes of this situation, I invite you to imagine a level seesaw balanced with a man at one end and a woman at the other end. This image can be used for any type of close relationship - just imagine two people of either gender at either end. When the relationship first develops, the two people are far apart; as they get to know each other better, they gradually inch closer and closer to the fulcrum in the middle. All the while, the seesaw stays level and balanced. It is often the case that one person wants to move closer more quickly than the other, but as long as they continue to move toward each other, they tolerate the delay or the modified pace. Eventually, some relationships make it all the way to the middle, still balanced and with personal, emotional and, if applicable, sexual intimacy. One other observation is that many healthy relationships can be balanced without necessarily having physical or sexual intimacy.

At some point in most relationships, people 'need their space' - that is, they want to move back on the seesaw, away from the intimacy. They may have no idea why, they just need some breathing room or they may use some other phrase or term. The partner who wishes to continue the closeness is surprised, maybe alarmed, and struggles to understand. S/he may feel or fear abandonment. The impulse is often to move toward the retreating person in order to resume the closeness. This seldom works because it deprives the 'leaver' of the space created, and, most importantly, if you notice the seesaw now, both people are now on the same side. It is unbalanced and will tip over. The leaver still wants his or her space and will move further away. The leavee (the one who was left) is now on 'foreign soil' on the opposite side of the middle. In sports terms, they are playing an away game - the other side of the seesaw is not familiar or comfortable ground.

An ideal, but difficult and counterintuitive option is for the leavee to move back independently. Thinking about the seesaw, this would mean moving back far enough to keep it balanced. This step has advantages for both people involved as well as for the relationship. The leaver gets what s/he wants. The leavee gets to step back and examine what is happening with a clearer head and from a vantage point of his or her own home base. We all have the potential to lose ourselves in the whirlwind of an emotionally intense experience, and moving back gives us a chance to regain our bearings - our groundedness. Moving back also demonstrates that a potential relationship can tolerate some separateness, an essential condition for a real life long-term relationship. Finally, moving back leaves room for the leaver to actually move forward and invite the leavee to meet closer to the middle.

The primary lesson is that not every relationship can be balanced all the time. It may not be realistic for every relationship to have intimacy all the time. However, a well balanced relationship, respectful of both parties' needs, creates the potential for wonderful intimacy when both individuals are interested.

Dr. Jeffrey L. Sternlieb is a licensed psychologist who works with organizations on the "people part" of business and improving Doctor-Patient relationships. His consulting company - MetaWorks - provides a wide range of services including coaching, training, retreats, and keynote presentations. In addition, he is a faculty member at Allentown's Lehigh Valley Family Practice residency program.

Teens think about suicide more than parents and teachers may realize. According to a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 19% of girls and 10% of boys have seriously considered suicide.

Every year 4,500 American youths under age 25 successfully end their own lives -- an average of 12 deaths per day. And this is only a fraction of the number of unsuccessful attempts.

As a public service during National Suicide Prevention Week, September 6 to 13, the Pennsylvania Psychological Association alerts you to the following warning signs that your teen may be at risk for suicidal thoughts or attempts:

• Talking or writing about thoughts of suicide, death, dying or the afterlife (in a context of sadness, boredom, hopelessness or negative feelings)
• Impulsive and aggressive behavior, frequent expressions of rage
• Self-inflicted cutting or injury
• Increasing use of alcohol or other drugs
• Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities -- seemingly without thinking
• Withdrawing from friends, family, society
• Exposure to another's suicidal behavior
• Recent severe stressor, usually related to interpersonal conflict

• Your teen has a history of emotional problems, such as depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol problems, or conduct disorder
• There is serious family conflict or instability
• Your teen has made one or more suicide attempts in the past

How to help if you believe your teen is at risk:

• If you have weapons in the home, lock them up. Better yet, remove them from the premises. Almost half of teen suicides are by self-inflicted gunshots.
• Do the same with medications -- both prescription and over-the-counter. Removing access to lethal substances will not guarantee protection from suicide, but it can buy some time while you help your teen through a crisis period.
• Don't leave your teen alone in the house.
• Don't be afraid to bring up the subject of suicide. If you are concerned that your teen might be at risk, ask directly, "Have you thought about hurting yourself or ending your life?" This will NOT increase any suicidal thoughts that your teen might have. But it will give you more information about how your child is feeling.
• Take all threats (direct or indirect) and self-injuries seriously, even if they've occurred many times previously without actual suicide attempts.
• Call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). The person on the other end of the phone is trained to help you decide what to do next. You may be directed to a crisis center or hospital emergency room.
• After the immediate crisis is under control, follow up with a psychologist who is experienced in working with teens and their families. With timely intervention, there is hope that your teen can learn constructive ways to cope with life's problems.

For more information on psychological and emotional health for your children and your family, visit the Pennsylvania Psychological Association's Web site, www.papsy.org, or the American Psychological Association's Consumer Help Center at www.APAHelpCenter.org.

The Pennsylvania Psychological Association is a member-driven organization dedicated to promoting and advancing psychology in Pennsylvania, advocating for public access to psychological services, and enhancing multiple dimensions of human welfare while supporting the development of competent and ethical psychologists. Our mission is to educate, update and inform the public and our membership on cutting-edge psychological theory and practice through training activities and public policy initiatives.