Psychological News You Can Use - December 2006

Holidays are filled with heightened emotions, both positive and negative. Our December issue will help you navigate through the next few months with greater awareness and peacefulness. Please feel free to share this e-newsletter with family members, friends, community leaders, local professionals, teachers, and anyone else interested in learning how psychology can enrich your life.

Grief during the holidays can be not only lonely, but also extremely painful. My family learned how painful the holidays can be after the death of our oldest daughter, Tori, when she was just 10 years old. We were devastated. It seemed impossible that the world would go on when our little girl was gone; how could we possibly celebrate?

If you are facing the upcoming holidays while grief is heavy in your heart, what we learned may be helpful:

• There is no right or wrong way to feel during this time.
  Everyone experiences grief differently, coming to terms with loss in their own way and in their own time. It took a long time to build all the bonds and connections you made with your loved one and it might take a long time to accept that those connections and bonds have changed. Your experience of the holidays may continue to be difficult even if your loved one has been gone for years. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you would with a friend.
• Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotion arises.
  One day it may be overwhelming sadness, another anger, still another peacefulness and relief. Remember that no feeling is right or wrong. Each feeling is a part of the process of accepting that your loved one is no longer here. Allow feelings to come and go in their own time and pay attention to what triggers particular moods. That way, you will gain a better understanding of the meaning behind your emotions.
• Grief affects us physically as well as emotionally, in the form of pain and/or fatigue.
  Make time for rest and for a break from responsibilities. You might need to refrain from hosting the entire family for a holiday dinner or traveling to visit all your relatives. It’s okay to rest and take time to heal.
• Consider that your family members are grieving also.
  They might be experiencing different emotions than you, and might want to engage in different activities. Have everyone to share how they would like to observe the holiday, and work together to find a mutually agreeable compromise.
• Take time to honor your loved one in a memorial activity.
  For example, light a candle for that person during dinner with the family, or ask everyone to share a favorite memory. Or buy something that your loved one would have enjoyed and then donate it to a needy family or charity. The possibilities are endless; be creative! Keeping the person alive in your memory during the holidays can be very comforting.
• Remember, you are not alone in your grief.
  Death affects every family at some point; there are hundreds of grieving people in your own community. Find someone to talk to – a friend, your pastor, priest or rabbi, a support group, or a psychologist. But be sure to talk to someone. We are social beings, and we heal more quickly when we share our pain with others.
  

• Show your appreciation with a thank-you, a smile or a hug (or all three.) It takes just a moment, but it can make a person’s day.
• •Practice a random act of kindness every day. Hold a door open for someone. Let someone in front of you in line. Smile and greet people you pass at work. These acts take only a few seconds, yet they create a mood that can last for hours.
• Call up someone you haven’t spoken to in a while, just to catch up on how they are. You’ve probably been meaning to do this for a long time. Now is a good time.
• If you have children, give one child at a time your full attention for an afternoon: Go for a walk; go to the library; or just sit and read or draw together. The activity itself isn’t as important as sharing time together.
• Write a note of appreciation to someone. Don’t be surprised if that person keeps the note for years to come.
  

What is the biggest reason for relationship breakups? Surprisingly, it's not poor communication.

Rather, it’s the way you think about your partner and your relationship problems. When our partners fall short of our expectations, we tend to go "toxic" in our thoughts. Below are three of the nine toxic thoughts that I have detailed in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?: Overcoming the Nine Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship," Marlowe and Company ( 2003) .

• The all-or-nothing trap— e.g., “You always put me down,” or “You always have to be right."
* The "should" bomb— e.g.,
“You should know that when I come home, I don't want to talk.” Or, “You should be more affectionate toward me.”
Catastrophic conclusions— e.g., Your partner bounces an occasional check and you think, “He is going to put us in the poor house!”

When a relationship ends, it's common to say, “We just drifted apart.” But in reality, no one just drifts apart. Underlying toxic thoughts are usually the culprit.

If you find yourself going toxic in your thoughts, it is imperative that you stop and challenge these twisted, inaccurate beliefs.

For example, instead of thinking, “You always have to be right,” you might dispute this by thinking, “She did admit to me a few weeks ago that my decorating ideas for the new sunroom were something she never would have come up with.”

In the event you go to the toxic wastelands of “shoulds”, such as, “You should not feel threatened by my father,” try replacing it with “would like.” For example, “I would like you to see my father in a different way. I will make an effort to be supportive to you to help this happen.”

Good relationships take work. Disputing your toxic thoughts will help you work smarter and not just harder in keeping your relationship strong

If so, encourage them to apply for our Psychologically Healthy Workplace Award.

What makes up a “psychologically healthy workplace?” The American Psychological Association and teams of experts have identified five key components:

(1) An environment that embraces employee-centered values and practices that align with the business mission,
(2) Employee involvement in decision-making and problem solving,
(3) Systems and programs that support employee family needs,
(4) Programs that promote employee career development, and
(5) Sensitivity to employee safety, security and overall health.

Research shows that organizations that address these five key issues are far more likely to have “engaged” employees. Engaged employees enjoy their jobs, are more committed and more productive. They also feel less stressed, take fewer sick days and are less likely to quit or be fired. In other words, an investment in an employee’s physical and mental health results in stronger business performance overall.

The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, in cooperation with the American Psychological Association, is calling for nominations from companies in Pennsylvania for the Psychologically Healthy Workplace Award. The application deadline is January 15, 2007.

The Psychologically Healthy Workplace Awards recognize organizations who demonstrate a commitment to employee health and well-being. Companies are evaluated in key criteria including employee involvement, family support, employee growth and development, and workplace health and safety issues.

Past winners of the Psychologically Healthy Workplace Award in Pennsylvania have included large, medium and small firms and organizations, including diners, banks, retail companies, hotels, and health care providers.

Visit the Pennsylvania Psychological Association’s Web site, www.papsy.org, for an application form.

For more information on the Psychologically Healthy Workplace Award and its benefits, please contact Ross DeSimone, M.A., coordinator of our Psychologically Healthy Workplace Award Program, 610-792-9050, or ross@psychforbusiness.com